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6/9/22

Crapland is a game. (solo SPEED_RUN) Session 1.

 

I shall attempt the unthinkable.

A solo speed-run through the Craplands.

For the time being I’m only going to use 3 items for this speed-run.

  1. Crapland. Squared

  2. Witch Piss by Sam Pink (Major Oracle).

    This book will be the primary Oracle I ask for questions.

  3. Fallen RPG Oracle by Perplexing Ruins (Minor Oracle).

    This Oracle will fill in more details and complications when/if needed. I'll include a screenshot of it at the bottom of this post.

    Characters made. (All 6 backgrounds from Crapland).

    Oracles awakened.

    Let’s play.

    Oh, I’m just using regular Troika rules. No changes made for solo play.

    (I will attempt to be as detailed as possible with this play through to show my solo play style.)

    The game begins on page 58 of Crapland (squared). See that house in the top right corner? (If you’re following along.) That’s where my adventure begins.

    BRRRAP! BRRAP! BOOM BOOM BOOM!

    Gunshots go off in the distance. Our characters live next to the LONG HOUSE. It’s a shooting range.

    (Rolled on the Fallen Oracle weather table and it’s snowing.)

    Ah winter time. Snow falls as we find our 6 characters inside their home where it’s warm, cozy and safe from the LOCAL ODOR.

    So what’s everyone doing?

    BOOM BOOM!

    (It’s not gunshots this time.)

    Shark-8 is throwing a first through the wall. Typical. He must be bored. Also typical.

    Tela recites the alphabet backwards. Also bored.

    Riff tunes his guitar.

    Mel is screaming in her head.

    Everyone else is looking at their CRAPPY PHONE.

    Nope is playing a really bad movie tie-in game.

    Let’s ask Witch Piss what the game is about… (Roll 1d356 for page follow by 1d6 paragraph and 1d4 sentence.) “Should I unplug this?”

    The game is about the movie Unplugged, where you play as (roll on CRAP JOBS table) a bizarro video station operator that got too close to a pirate signal and started seeing really weird stuff, possibly in Toronto, Canada. You run around and unplug as many items as you can before the time runs out. I heard the movie is getting a sequel!

    Mok is playing with the voice assistant app. (This causes a random spell to go off. roll on the random spell table in Troika. Flash.)

    Mok’s crappy phone flashlight lights up the whole house! Everyone test luck or be blinded for 1d6 minutes.

    (Everyone but Mel passes.)

    “WTF BRUH!” - Mel screams, this time outside of her head, as she is blinded for 4 minutes.

    “Shark-8 why are you even here bruh, you have your own place!” - Mel continues.

    “I’m bored.” - Tela beeps as they turn on the T.V.

    (Roll on CRAPPY TV SHOWS ON YOUR CRAPPY TV table.)

    On the screen two very strong shirtless men kick each other in the abs over and over and over and over before a live audience that screams louder and louder.

    (Roll on CRAPPY REASONS TO GET OFF THE COUCH table.)

    KABOOM!

    A car parked down the street blows up.

    “Bruh the surf competition was canceled bruh. I’m looking for something I need.” - Shark-8 says and opens a drawer in the kitchen.

    (Roll on CRAPPY ITEMS table til Shark-8 finds what he needs.)

    Shark-8 finds a paycheck from last month written to Nope. It’s voided.

    He pulls out a bag of fertilizer and drops it on the floor.

    Another voided paycheck to Nope.

    He drops a potato sack full of potatoes on the floor, after putting one in his pocket of course.

    He grabs a love letter opener and holds onto it for now.

    He drops a keyboard on the floor. (It’s for hacking.)

    He drops 21 charges of C4 on the floor.

    He finds a half-drunk orange soda.

    He drinks it.

    Mel says this show sucks.

    Tela says how would you know you cant see anything.

    Tela looks at the strong men on the T.V. then at Shark-8 and back to the strong men on T.V. then at Shark-8 and back to the T.V. again.

    “I want a body.” - Tela beeps.

    “They’re over rated and lots of people don’t even like their bodies.” - says Nope.

    “It’s my body and I want it now.” - Tela boops and beeps.

    (The map is roughly 20x20 so I’m going to roll 2d20 to determine the location of the Dream_Bod.)

    14,8.

    (Every round it moves in a random direction so I’ll roll a d6 for that since the map uses hexagons.)

    The Dream_Bod is on the damn freeway.

    Or is it the damned freeway?

    (I’m going to use the Fallen yes/no Oracle to see who/if any of the crew will help Tela get their dream body. I’ll say the odds are even and roll 2d6 vs 1d8. We have to get an 8 or better for a yes on the 2d6. If both the d6 are less than the d8 we will alter the scene.)

    Does Shark-8 want to help Tela find their dream body?

    2d6 = 2, 6

    1d8 = 8

    Yes, but since both d6 are les than the d8 we will alter the scene with a mildly negative twist. (Advance a threat.)

    A Portal opens.

    (Roll on CRAP EFFECTS FROM AN INTERDIMENSIONAL PORTAL OPENING AND LETTING FORTH ANOTHER WORLD THAT IS DECIDEDLY LESS BORING AND MUCH MORE COOL WHERE MOVIES ARE DECENT AND FOOD TATES GOOD table.)

    A loud sound blasts out…

    Let’s ask Witch Piss what the sound is. (Page 94, paragraph 1, sentence 4.) “Fock dat.”

    Spooky, everyone thinks.

    Does Nope want to help Tela find their dream body?

    2d6 = 2, 3

    1d8 = 3

    No.

    Does Mok want to help Tela find their dream body?

    2d6 = 4, 6

    1d8 = 2

    Yes, and a mildly positive twist. (Environmental change.)

    It stops snowing. Roll again on weather table. It’s now raining.

    Does Riff want to help Tela find their dream body?

    2d6 = 1, 5

    1d8 = 7

    No, and a mildly negative twist. (Add a shift, advance a plot.)

    Roll on random event focus for plot. New plot. Let’s thumb through Crapland to find a new plot point.

    (Roll on CRAPPY REASONS TO GET OFF THE COUCH table.)

    Lizard people are hissing and shit. Likely shooting guns blowing up cars.

    Does Mel want to help Tela find their dream body?

    2d6 = 3, 1

    1d8 = 7

    No, and a mildly negative twist. (Add a twist, foreshadow a threat.)

    (Roll on CRAPPY REASONS TO GET OFF THE COUCH table.)

    A neighbor’s car blows. (It’s the lizard people XD.)

    We’ll say it’s today in game, Monday, June 6th, 4:32pm.

    Shark-8, Mok and Tela step outside. Shark-8 hands Tela the love letter opener and says just incase while winking.

    The flames of the neighbors car are unaffected by the rain. It smells awful as it burns, but it always smells awful in Crapland.

    Further down the street another car is on fire still.

    The rain begins to wash away the snow on the ground.

    “If I was a Dream_Bod where would I be? Hmm.” - Shark-8 says as the party walks down the street passing by the long house in the distance.

    (The party will have an encounter every 2d6 hexes traveled. 9, cool. Also let’s add the lizard people with guns driving around town blowing shit up to the encounter table.)

    It will take the party 7 hexes to get the down their street to the dammed freeway. So let’s roll a d6 7 times to see where the Dream_Bod is wandering to.

    6, Northwest.

    6, oof it’s trying to cross the freeway.

    We must roll vs skill 10.

    The Dream_Bod has a skill of 8 so we will roll 2d6 + 8 vs 2d6 + 10 that’s 18 vs 14. The delivery drivers swerves and avoids hitting the Dream_Bod as it flexes its thighs in the street for a moment.

    Cool let’s continue with the d6 random directions the body wanders in as the party heads toward the freeway on foot.

    Tela says they should have asked Nope to borrow his car.

    3, what the hell, the Dream_Bod is going back across the damn freeway again. Let’s roll vs again. 2d6 + 8 vs 2d6 + 10. That’s 13 vs 19. I Rolled a 2 for damage on the gigantic beast table as a lifted Astro van with 35 inch tires strikes the armorless Dream_Bod for 8 damage. It barrel rolls through the guardrail, then stands up and walks in a random direction.

    1, no! It’s crossing the damn freeway again! 2d6 + 8 vs 2d6 + 10. That’s 15 vs 14. The Dream_Bod flexes its back and crosses the street safely.

    Where will it go next?

    1, it walks down the street that our party lives on! Dream_bod is in the adjacent hex.

    Our party sees it. What do they do?

    Let’s ask Witch Piss how the party reacts. (Page 24, paragraph 5, sentence 2.) “She said hi, smiled at us as she passed.”

    Tela beeps out a loud “hi” towards the Dream_Bod.

    Let’s ask Witch Piss how the Dream_Bod reacts to Tela. (Page 303, paragraph 6, sentence 3.) “He continued to do it, looking side to side.”

    That’s exactly what happens.

    Mok is holding a banana peel.

    Mok tells Tela the Dream_Bod must not have heard them.

    Roll one more time for a random direction for the Dream_Bod to move.

    5, the hex right in front of the party.

    Tela asks how are we going to do this exactly.

    Mok says we have to shut it down.

    Shark-8 says they have to beat it into submission.

    The party walks down the center of the asphalt to the end of their street. Rain falls as the Dream_Bod approaches them.

    I’ll use technical grimoire’s turn tracker.




    Round 1

    The Dream_Bod is binary so I need to roll on the 1s and 0s table for it each round.

    I rolled 3, HYPERBOLE INTERPOLATION, everyone tests their luck. On failure, they start having the crappiest arguments for d3 rounds. They can’t do anything but make inane arguments. They eventually find out they all agree on sparkling water.

    Shark-8 passes their luck test.

    Mok passes their luck test.

    Tela passes their luck test.

    Nice try Dream_Bod. Back to initiative.

    Mok goes first.

    Mok is out of bananas. Mok says they should have got some bananas before trying to unlock Tela’s ending.

    Mok throws a banana peel in an attempt to trip the Dream_Bod. Roll vs. Mok will roll 2d6 + 6 (their skill) against the Dream_Bod who will be rolling 2d6 + 8. On second thought I’ll allow Mok to use their skill in mathmology to gain insight on the angle and such for their banana peel toss. It will be 2d6 + 9.

    Mok got 18 vs Dream_Bod’s 15.

    As the Dream_Bod takes it next step Mok perfectly tosses the banana peel and it skids directly where Dream_Bod’s next step will land.

    I will use the Dream_Bod’s skill as if it were luck(without reducing it) to see if they do actually trip on the banana peel.

    6 under 8. Nothing happens.

    Shark-8’s turn. He charges Dream_Bod and tries to bite it.

    Shark-8 got 19 vs Dream_Bod’s 13.

    I’ll roll damage as modest beast for Shark-8’s bite. It’s to the ankle. Dream_Bod takes 8 damage. 33 Stamina remaining.

    END of round.

    Roll again on the 1s and 0s table. 2, EN-PIXELIZATION RAYS. If a roll is even, halve it. If it’s odd, double it.

    Shark-8’s turn. Same strategy.

    Shark-8 got 17 vs Dream_Bod’s 15. I must double them both. Either way Shark-8 wins.

    Shark-8 bites Dream_Bod’s shoulder for 6 damage. 27 stamina remains.

    Mok’s turn. Mok is going to try and kick the Dream_Bod between the legs. Fighting is dirty Mok says so might as well fight dirty.

    Mok got 20 vs Dream_Bod’s 10. OOF! Dream_Bod rolled snake eyes. That’s a fumble. I won’t even halve the rolls. We will roll unarmed damage with a plus 1 since Dream_Bod fumbled. That’s 2 damage. 25 stamina remains.

    Dream_Bod’s turn. They use their special. Dream_Bod snaps their fingers and shoots finger guns at Shark-8 and begins to flex their muscles. Shark-8 must test luck in order to break free from this enchantment. Shark-8 says the Dream_Bod has skipped too many leg days at the gym and passes the luck test.

    Tela’s turn. They pull out the love letter opener Shark-8 gave them and says that this will hurt them more that it will hurt the Dream_Bod.

    Tela got 16 vs Dream_Bod’s 19. With EN-PIXELIZATION RAYS that’s actually an 8 vs 38 rofl.

    Tela misses and Dream_Bod delivers and flying knee to Tela for 4 damage. Tela now has 17 stamina.

    Dream_Bod’s turn. They will attack a random target (roll 1d3, got a 2 so that’s Mok). Let’s roll vs and see what happens. Mok will use acrobatics to dodge the attack.

    Dream_Bod got 15 vs Mok’s 17. Double both numbers and Mok still wins.

    Deam_Bod attempts to grab Mok’s tail but Mok does a sick back flip. He says he learned that from watching (roll on d63 CRAPPY TV SHOWS) Surgeons on Rockets.

    Shark-8 runs in a circle around Dream_Bod before going in for another bite.

    Shark-8 got 15 vs Dream_Bod’s 16. So that’s actually 30 vs 8 hehe.

    Dream_Bod only takes 4 damage though. 23 stamina remaining.

    Mok sees an opening and goes for it using acrobatics to perform a sick spin kick.

    Mok got a 14 vs Dream_Bod’s 18. We halve both numbers as Mok gets grabbed mid air by Dream_Bod and choke slammed into the wet asphalt. Mok loses 2 stamina but he’s fine with still having 14 left.

    Tela’s turn. She let’s out a long angry BOOOOOP and throws the love letter opener at the Dream_Bod.

    Tela got a 12 vs Dream_Bod’s 14. It’s really a 6 vs 7 though.

    The love letter opener falls short due to the rain and the Dream_Bod throws an elbow into the side of Tela’s face for 8 damage. Tela’s face turns blue for a second. They have 9 stamina.

    Dream_Bod is exerting itself so much that it’s body is now producing steam in the cold rain. It leaps into the air and cannonballs towards (random as always) Shark-8.

    Dream_Bod got an 18 vs Shark-8’s 12. Again we halve the numbers but it doesn’t really matter. Or does it? Who wrote this crap anyway.

    Crap I just realized I should have been doubling or halving ALL ROLLS.

    That means damage rolls as well. OOPS. I’ll start doing that NOW.

    Dream_Bod rolled a 6 for damage. We will halve that for being even. Shark-8 receives 4 damage. He has 16 stamina now.

    END of ROUND.

    Round 3 FIGHT!

    I will roll on the 1s and 0s table. The Dream_Bod is still using it’s EN-PIXELIZATION RAYS.

    Mok will go first. He says something about how they should have come up with a more creative plan.

    Mok tries to throw another banana peel to knock the Dream_Bod prone.

    Mok got a 17 vs Dream_Bod’s 15. Y’all know how the EN-PIXELIZATION RAYS work by now. I double the numbers since they are odd and Mok still wins.

    Dream_Bod still gets a save to avoid slipping on the banana peel though. They got a 7 but we double it! That’s way over their skill of 8!

    Dream_Bod’s flies into the air and slams down on their back. There’s a huge splash of water. They will be at a -2 to all rolls until they get back up.

    Shark-8 bites at the Dream_Bod.

    Shark-8 got a 16 vs Dream_Bod’s 16 but we minus 2 so it’s 14. Course we have to halve the numbers but Shark-8 still wins.

    I rolled a 5 for damage so we double that haha. Dream_Bod takes 12 points of damage leaving 11 stamina remaining.

    Dream_Bod’s turn. They stand up and FLEX! This time at Mok. He has to test his luck or be enamored by the sheer strength of the Dream_Bod.

    Mok rolls an 8 which we half lol and he passes his luck test just barely.

    Dream_Bod goes again (randomly) for Mok.

    Mok will attempt to dodge.

    Mok got a 15 (30) vs Dream_Bod’s 17 (34).

    Dream_Bod grabs Mok’s tail and pulls it really hard. Dream_Bod rolled a 6 so that’s actually a 3 and Mok takes 4 damage. He’s got 10 stamina left.

    Dream_Bod goes again. That’s a streak! This time it’s against Shark-8.

    Shark-8 asks how can this thing fight so well without any eyes.

    Dream_Bod got a 13 (26) vs Shark-8’s 20 (10).

    Dream_Bod does a roundoff backflip and hits Shark-8 right on the nose for 14 damage. He only has 2 stamina left.

    It’s Shark-8s turn. Let’s roll 2d6 to see if Shark-8 can retrieve his provision. 5, that’s equal to the position of the potato in his inventory. He pulls a potato out of his pocket and eats it. He heals 5 stamina and says gross.

    It’s Tela’s turn. They want to use their mismatched power cable as a whip. Since whips aren’t on the weapons table for Troika I’ll rule that they do the same damage as knives since the tip of a whip moves extremely fast and causes skin to tear. That was dark.

    Tela got a 14 (7) vs Dream_Bod’s 14 (7). Tela chooses to test her luck. They got a 7 which we double and they fail their luck test.

    Deam_Bod grabs the cable and pulls Tela in for a chest-bump. Tela loses 14 stamina. This brings Tela to -5. Fucking hell man.

    Tela’s screen flashes between blues, thick black bars, and static. There’s flashes from internal sparks. The rain puts them out. Thin black fumes rise. Rain striking asphalt reflects off Tela’s blank screen.

    Shark-8 is speechless.

    Mok goes into a banana-less banana rage. He reaches behind his back and shrieks in pain as he rips out his razor sharp spine flail. I’ll rule that it does damage as a sword. At the beginning of the next round we will add d3 initiative tokens for him that will last 3 rounds. Mok looks scary as fuck, even to Shark-8.

    Back to initiative it’s Dream_Bod’s turn. They go for Mok.

    Dream_Bod got a 14 (7) vs Mok’s 11 (22).

    Mok is known for fucking around. Mok isn’t fucking around anymore.

    I rolled a 3 for damage so we will double that as Mok buries his razor spine into the flesh of the Deam_Bod for 8 damage. Dream_Bod now has 3 stamina left.

    END of ROUND!

    I rolled a 3 for the amount of Mok tokens to add to the initiative deck.

    Now I roll on the 1s and 0s table. It’s EN-PIXELIZATION RAYS again.

    Shark-8 will go first. He chooses not to act. I add his token back to the stack.

    Mok’s turn.

    Mok walks towards Dream_Bod like a ghost between the rain in a slowed + reverb fashion. He raises his razor spine flail in the air and spins it like a cyclone.

    Mok rolls 13 (26) vs Dream_Bod’s 16 (8).

    “Round here we’re carving out our names… INTO YOUR FLESH!” - Mok screams out.

    Mok rips open the Dream_Bod cutting it from stem to stern.

    Shark-8 scoops Tela up.

    Mok turns, drops his spine and embraces them both in tears in the rain.

    Roll a d6 to hear which sad song by Slowdive plays out as a drone camera from above slowly zooms out and fades to black as the end credits roll.

    1. Cello
    2. When the Sun Hits
    3. Dagger
    4. Primal
    5. Spanish Air
    6. Ballad of Sister Sue

    Mok and Shark-8 have unlocked Tela’s ending.

    THE DREAMIEST DREAM_BOD THAT EVER DREAMED.

    Flexing for good right? Every round you may spend your action and d6 luck to make a sandwich that fully heals you. If you can’t afford the luck, the sandwich makes you dance. You dance really well, but you’re still hungry. That’s crappy.



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