Crapland is a game. (SPEED-RUN) Session twoo.

✿.。.- ☆-. during this actual play I listened to the album .-.☆-.-。.✿

(catch up on the previous session here)


Shark-8 caries Tela under an arm. He thinks about how Mel will beat his ass. He says Mel is good to kick our asses. 

Mok doesn’t say anything and then says let’s just get home already.

Shark-8 wonders if the rumors about Mok are true. 

Supposedly, whenever Mok dies, they ascend, and another is born identical to the first. 

Shark-8 wishes Mok ascended instead of Tela. 

(From the last session, the party was going to have an encounter in the 9th hex. They traveled, but they only traveled 7 hexes. As Shark-8 and Mok walk home, I will roll on the encounter table to see what happens. I rolled two bad dogs and rolled napping for their mien on the CRAPPY ENCOUNTERS table.)

“Stay quiet. Look.” Shark-8 points with his free hand to two bad black dogs asleep in the grass under a tree in the front yard where a car is still on fire. 

Mok thinks Crapland is single-handedly fucking this sphere into climate change. 

(Their house is four hexes away now, so let’s roll 2d6 again to see if they have another CRAPPY ENCOUNTER before then. Oof, I rolled snake eyes. In two hexes, they will encounter… roll on CRAPPY ENCOUNTER table, two bad dogs napping again. I'll cross this encounter off now and write something new later if I roll the same encounter again.)  

Further down the street, the party passes by another burning car with two bad dogs sleeping in the yard. The dogs fail a skill test to sniff the party out from their dreams as the party turns the corner and makes it home safely. 

All the lights in the house are off, but the TV screen is giving off a faint glow through the front window. 

(Since the Dream_Bod encounter from the last session turned into more of a boss fight, I’m going to give the party some crappy items that might not even help them on their quest to unlock each ending. Let’s say 1d6 packages arrived before they were ordered from the online shopping CRAPPY APP that somehow distorts the time-space continuum. I’ll roll randomly to see who the mail is for. It’s for Mel.)

Mok grabs Shark-8 by the shoulder and says let me go in first. They walk up the porch steps and find 4 packages with Mel’s name on them. 

Mok opens the door and says, “Melyougotsomemailwe’retiredandgonnacallitanightseeyallinthemorning.”

Shark-8 follows Mok straight to his room while keeping a neutral facial expression and trying to hide Tela’s face from Nope, Mel, and Riff. 

(Using the Fallen Oracle, let’s see if they noticed what happened to Tela. I’ll say they likely notice. They don’t notice anything weird, and since both d6 aren’t less than the d8, we don’t alter the scene.)

“Cool. Peace.” Riff says while giving the peace sign. 

(Roll on the CRAPPY T.V. SHOWS ON YERCRAPP T.V. table to see what has them so enamored they don’t notice anything different about Tela.)

On the T.V., cars drive around while people greased up in their underwear say “VROOM VROOM” loudly.

Mel says she had put some items from the Troikan Apparel online store in her cart but hadn’t purchased anything yet.  

The end credits of the “Vroom Vroom” show roll on the screen as drum-and-bass liquid neurofunk dark-side music plays. Riff turns the volume up. Mel gets up to collect her packages.

(Let’s roll for a random event on the Fallen Oracle to end the evening. I rolled a faction. I’m going to add the F.B.I. as a faction. I feel the F.B.I. are Crap.)

A blacked-out Crapillac Escrapade is parked illegally across six bike lanes across the street from the player’s house. 

(Does Mel notice? Let’s say the odds are even; it’s a 50/50 chance. We need an 8 or greater on 2d6 for Mel to notice. 2D6 = 4, 5, and 1D8 = 4. Mel definitely notices.)

She raises her flaming eyebrow, grabs her 4 packages, and heads back inside the house. 

“There’s some fucking FBI agents watching us from outside,” Mel says. Her flaming eyebrow sputters.

“Maybe they’re trying to find out who or what is causing all the cars to blow up in our hood,” Nope says.

“Don’t you think it’s strange? I’ve never seen the fucking FBI in Crapland before. Have you?”

“Nope.” Says Nope.

“It’s not like one of us is secretly an alien infiltrator operative from Mars,” Riff says, biting his nails. 

Let’s ask Witch Piss if Mel is going to do anything about the F.B.I. agents outside. 

“We stood around drinking, listening to the swish of rush hour traffic in the rain.” (I rolled page 145, paragraph 4, sentence 1).

I feel it’s obvious what happens. The party spends the rest of the evening chilling and watching T.V. before falling asleep. (Everyone heals 2d6 stamina and luck.)

Mel sits in front of the T.V. on the floor and opens her packages (quest items):

1. A bag of Crap Chips - These either heal you or make you unable to shut up about how good they are.

2. Portable game console - Requires a plasmic core, casts games as spells

3. Bucket of fish - 3d3 fish. Good for frying or fighting. Damage as a club.

4. Craptors-only jacket - It makes people think you’re a Craptor.

Mel says it’s bullshit that the portable game console doesn’t come with any games or batteries.


Mel, Riff, and Nope wake up in the living room with the T.V. still on. 


A crappy commercial selling action figures from a new R-rated alien movie plays. It has a subliminal message about spit. Mel is enamored. Water (ACID) sprays from her face. Her eyes shoot into the back of her head. There’s a hard crack of thunder outside, and it begins to rain.

(Let’s roll a random event focus for the morning; it's a new plot.)

Mok places Tela’s dead body in his closet and wakes up Shark-8 by saying he’ll make breakfast.

In the kitchen, Mok opens the Fridge. There’s 1 canister of anise quick action whipped cream, a half-eaten chocolate cake, rotten bananas with a roach crawling on it, wilted greens, a half-eaten sandwich, and a jar of spicy pickles. 

Mok uses Tela’s ending to make a sandwich. (He tests luck and fails. He tries again but fails.)

Mok tries to make something remotely edible from this crap and fails. I mean, Shark-8 COULD eat this crap, but it wouldn’t provide any bonus.

“We’re out of bananas. Who wants to come with me to get some?” Mok says.

(I rolled, and Mel is the only one who doesn’t want to go with Mok.)

Shark-8 and Nope say they will go with Mok, but they must unlock their endings today. Riff just wants to get out of the house for the day. 

Wait, Mel says. She hands over the Craptors Only jacket, the bucket of fish, and a bag of chips. 


Inside Nope’s car, Shark-8 says he needs to go to the beach. Nope says he needs to go to the beach! Mok says that’s fine because the banana tree is near the beach, but they get the bananas before all the good ones fall off the tree. 

They head to the Wave-Brick Cove, unaware in 5 hexes, they will have an encounter:

1. Local odor

2. Bad dogs Giant Banana Slugs

3. Jerks

4. Dog Head Guys 

5. Omega Craptor 

6. Hissing lizards 

7. FBI


“Did you feel that?” Riff says.

“It’s just the car engine taking a shit. I’ll fix it later,” Mok says.

“You’re the worst mechanic. It’s raining, and I don’t even have wipers. This blows,” Nope says.

Shark-8 has his head out the window, and his mouth is wide-the-fuck-open. 

“GUYS GUYS!” Shark-8 yells. “It’s SHIN UNCHI TOKAGE!!!” 

(an Omega Craptor 3+ stories tall.) 

“He looks big mad!”

(START THE initiative)

Shin Unchi Tokage shoots a beam from its mouth at Nope’s car.

Everyone runs out of the car as it blows up.

The party is frantic, and the Omega Craptor tail swipes Shark-8 for 4 damage. 

“Guys, I forgot I could have restocked the fridge earlier,” Riff says as he gets kicked into the air by the Omega Craptor for 16 damage. 

(I will start letting the characters roll under their base skill to run away on their turns.)

Nope tries to run away but gets hit for 18 damage.

Omegacraptor goes again, and this time for Shark-8, dealing 8 damage.

Shark-8 eats the bag of chips Mel gave him and fully heals. 

Riff plays a nasty riff and gets hit for 4 damage.


"Over here!" Mok lifts a manhole cover and jumps underground. The party follows without thinking twice. 

Riff puts his mask over his head.

Shank-8 says, “That’s not a mask; it’s a plastic bag.”

“Same thing,” Riff shrugs. “Follow me, I used to play shows down here when the band was underground.”

(let’s roll again to see how many hexes until the next encounter, 9 hexes, that actually will bring the party right across the street from the beach by that weird portal!)

(Let’s consult Witch Piss to see what the sewer is like. “Back at Danny’s, I gave everyone a beer - except Danny, who wouldn’t drink anything except his watermelon-flavored malt liquor.” I think this means there is a soda machine down here.)

Shark-8 pulls out his Crappy Phone and opens a Crappy App, but it’s just a Loud Ass Dub Siren. 

Riff grabs the phone from Shark-8 and opens another app. “It’s not party time, Breh.”

“BIKE MESSENGER ON A PIKE DAMNIT!” Riff drops the phone immediately after opening the messaging app, unencrypted. 

The phone hits the damp floor. (roll on the what did you slip on table) It’s covered in a red substance. 

“Did you just open the messaging app unencrypted” Nope asks. “Breh, you just sent all of Shark-8's nudes to the government.”

“Wait, what? Breh are you serious?!” Shark-8 picks up his phone using his mouth. The red substance tastes like sweet blood. “Oh, this is blood.”

“The government is going to rate your nudes and ensure they adhere to public decency rules,” Nope says. 

“Hol’ up, that’s why the FBI was outside the house last night, collecting nudes?” Riff says.

Mok says, Let’s just get to the beach so we can unlock all of our endings.

The party sees a light at the end of the tunnel.

They all start running towards it. 

“It’s a miracle,” Riff says. “Look.”

Conveniently placed next to the ladder leading up to the street is a Saint Refreshness machine.

Mok pulls 4 coins out of his pocket and hands one to each friend.

Riff says they have Elderberry Mindfuck and sheds a single tear. “They haven’t made that in like weeks!”

He inserts his coin and selects Elderberry Mindfuck.

Mok and Nope insert their coins and push the Marrow Rush button.

Shark-8 inserts his coin and selects Elderberry Mindfuck, but nothing happens. He has his own coins but holds his palm up towards Riff.

Riffs feels terrbile, that the FBI agents saw his nudes, have to rate them, make sure they adhere to public decency rules, feels terrible again, and hands Shark-8 a coin.

Shark-8 tries to get a dark star cola, but a nope cola is dispensed from Saint Refreshness.

They each climb the ladder and crawl out of the manhole in the middle of the damned freeway and back into the rain. They see the beach and the banana tree. All of it is only 100 feet away.

“Is that normal?” Shark-8 points at an Open Interdimensional Portal, Letting Forth Another World That is Decidedly Less Boring and Much Cooler, where Movies are Decent, and food tastes Good.

(I roll on that table and get a result that states roll again twice on the table.)

Plants near the schism start growing and growing and growing until they tower over the skyscrapers that don’t exist in Crapland. 

A Sports Car skids out of the schism. The action hero driving it shouts “Get in.”

Shark-8’s jaw drops. “Woah. That car looks like it's never blown up before.”

”That’s right!” The action star says. “I always drive away from explosions in slow motion.”

(Let’s ask Witch Piss what happens. pg 136, paragraph 2, sentence 1. “Felt a painful excitement in my chest.)

It’s obviously a red convertible with a set of longhorns across the grill. Riff calls shotgun, and the rest of the party hops into the back seat. 

(gonna ask Witch Piss what the heck is going on now, pg 68, paragraph 3, sentence 4. “Something. Something. Bussy.”)

(I will roll 3d8 on the quick NPC section of the Fallen oracle. I get the words Soldier, Drunk, Obtain.)

“I’m a drunk solder from the future sent to obtain Shark-8’s nudes from the FBI before they can take them to the white house to be rated by the president.”

Nope asks what the future is like. The action hero describes grim scenes where everyone is literally pawns in a game of chess played by corporate executive gods with giant stone faces. 

“I have a surf competition today, and I can’t be late,” Shark-8 says.

“I’ll get you there, but it is paramount I obtain your pictures and destroy those FBI agents."

1. During this actual play, I listened to the album 召喚 by 妖女 · 天火見.

It was released on June 6, 1995.

This album is tagged as "80's," "90's," "ambient," "adult contemporary," "devotional," "dream," "funk," "jazz," "light," "love," "mountain," "new age," "temple," "traditional," and "world."

This album is a peaceful journey in your inner self. I'm happy to own this album.

Sometimes an atmosphere can only be captured by a song. This music makes me feel an indescribable emotion.

Imagine mooning through a psychedelic jungle under a holographic disco ball moon. That’s not even close to how fantastic this album is.

2. Witch Piss is a novel by Sam Pink
3. Crapland is a game by Orbital Intelligence 
4. I used this oracle by Perplexing Ruins

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